Updated: May 4
Home~Where The Soul Longs To Be
General transcript to podcast (podcast coming soon)
Do Use Manners
Physical Space and Contact
In many ways this is an extension of the previous chapter on Public Spaces. When we are in public we undoubtedly are going to deal with many people, most of them strangers…
Oh No Moments--Holding doors
This is a huge one. It happens all the time. When you enter or exit a place there usually is a regular or revolving door. It’s a good idea to see if someone is immediately behind you. If someone is several feet away and you are on a schedule it is understandable if you don’t hold the door. Usually in a crowded place like a city there are a lot of people entering and exiting places.
Even if the person’s job is to be a doorman (I don’t know many door women), I thank them for it. Why do so many people NOT say thank you. In fact, many pass by you completely well, I don’t know oblivious? Indignant? Here are some real life no door holding Oh No Moments.
Just enough for me not you
I see people all the time opening the door with barely enough room for himself to get through (I’ve seen this more often with men). I swear it is as if they purposely do not want to hold the door at any cost. But why? Is it because they feel they ought to just think of themselves even if in a public/social world? When you let the door close immediately behind you it is literally closing the door on someone else’s face. If feels abrupt. Why not take an extra half a second to see who’s behind you because you never know who it could be.
You enter a bank, store, building etc. You pull or push the door to enter and someone exiting passes by you without acknowledging you held the door for them. If someone opens the door for me I instinctively say “thank you”.
Someone was exiting a store with one entrance. The person entering rushed in without letting the person exit first. In these cases, it is customary to let the person exit first.
What? No thank you?
I was on my way to do my weekly radio show at the time. Before the show I like to get my engineer some goodies like candy and treats for her animal companions as a thank you for her great work. Since my show is live I want to make sure i get there on time. On this one particular day I go to CVS pharmacy on the West Village and I am about to pull on the door I see a woman is going to exit but she hesitated pushing the door. I instinctively pulled the door open and glides by and through the door without saying thank you or even looking at me. Did she think the door opened by itself? Did she not see me holding it, because I couldn’t enter at the same time she was exiting? I had to say “your welcome!” but I somehow don’t think she cared to hear me.
What, no “thank you”? Entitlement
I’m with my dining companion we are about to enter the restaurant. We see several people about to exit. Well the proper thing to do is allow them to exit first. There were women than a couple behind them. In this case there again was a hesitation so my companion opened the door to signal we were entering. That led to move it along and exit, the first woman looked and smiled as if to say thank you. That’s acceptable. The second simply walked by us with an actual attitude and head high and kept going. Not cool. The couple exited next and they each said, as if to make up for the woman in front of them, they each said thank you
with extra emphasis with full appreciation that we were.
Revolving Door Rules.
When using a revolving door, there is a few dangers using them. You can get a body part caught or even get stuck. But that rarely happens, thank goodness. What happens more often is someone using it at the same time pushes too fast and you get pushed from behind pretty hard. Generally speaking the person exiting gets to push first. But there doesn’t seem to be hard and fast rules on this one.
Once you are in the process of entering or exiting, use a moderate push but not too hard or soft. The oh no moment comes when someone enters and someone comes on and doesn’t help push and gets a free ride so to speak. They aren’t pulling their own weight. On my scale, this is a “little dumb” and annoying and says a lot about the person not helping push.
Your Body but Our Space
Ladies, wearing a sexy short skirt, that’s nice, but watch that crotch because I don’t want to.
Put those feet down please
Young man on a outdoor restaurant puts his legs up on the seat in front.
Woman raises her knee up and puts her barefoot on the bench where others sit
When you open the door for others be ready to be at the end of the line
When one with good intention and manners opens the door for anyone, it is usually the case that if there is line, say inside a coffee shop, by virtue of letting others in first, will land you on the at the back of the line. Most people will simply walk in when the door is opened for them, and go to wherever they are going and not think of returning the favor to the door holder. However, if you walk in and hold the door an extra second behind you but walk in first, this not only has you holing the door for someone else but you get to the line in the proper order.
No Skipping the LINES and other things that happen while waiting in or on a line.
Write about British man I met who said Jumping the Queue is a huge thing in England too. It’s amazing what otherwise functioning people can lose all sense of civility at seemingly random moments. Like waiting on/in line. Having lines at banks, grocery stores, coffee shops, etc. insures there is some order and fairness. So what happens to some people that they blatantly skip lines.
There are the exceptions where the it isn’t clear where the line begins, ends or if it is a single or multiple lines. Assuming you know where the lines are and you can simply ask those around you, then you naturally are to go to the end of the line. But I’ve witnessed and experienced people just waltzing in and going straight to the check out and disregarding all those waiting. Often the even get a way with it. Sometimes we want to avoid a confrontation and simply let it go. I myself have done this because you have to pick your battles.
However, there are times something really needs to be said. I’ve often told the person about to skip me “Excuse me, I’m next. I’ve been waiting on line.” Or “Excuse me, there is a line” and point to the line and direct them to it. That usually does it. But you have very well have someone who knows what they are doing and do it anyway, both rudely and defiantly.
In that case they will simply make a full of themselves and most rational people will see that. Or you may have a case of a senior citizen or disabled person who goes right to the front even if there isn’t a written/unwritten rule that they should be allowed first. In this case, I usually let it go. Seniors and certain disabled persons have their own challenges. Waiting on line shouldn’t be an added one to them or anyone.
On line at the supermarket
When one goes to the food market, one stands on the line waiting patiently to pay for food. There are people behind you. A new cashier opens a new line and calls “next customer on the line” and the person behind you runs to the line. Really? That’s rude. The person who is to be next on the current line is the one who should move the new line. That is the common sense, manners move to make. That is not what happens most often. I don’t care if you have 1 item, at least ask the person in front before you run like a savage to the new line.
Bed Bath and Beyond...
one line that is really separate lines. When worker announces there are individual lines all the people at the end jump ahead to the nearest cashiers with a complete disregard to those who were waiting before them.
there are color coded lines. People know when to go when the screen in front of their specific line lights up indicating the number of the checkout counter to go to. On several occasions, when the color screen lights up a person on another line will ignore it’s not their color and go ahead to the next checkout counter being of course rude and disrupting the whole process. That process is far from perfect. I’ve seen all kinds of errors on the screen, like the same color appear several times leaving other lines just waiting longer than they should.
Burlington Coat Factory.
There is a reasonably long line that moves a fair pace. Most people clearly see it and go to the end. When a register is free the light at the available register blinks and a monitor at the front of the line flashes the number of the register with an audible accompanying message saying “Please proceed to register number x”. But on several occasions the person just sees a gap somewhere along the space where the register are and go directly to an available register skipping the whole line.
Are you or are you not on the line?
Someone looks as if they are not really on the line because they are looking at other things an distracted. Store Duane Reade there was a solid long line. There was a woman who was clearly unsure when was ready to pay or commit to the line and I waited a few moments to let her figure it out. She was not deciding and now there were people approaching behind me to get on the line I finally asked kindly by the way, and she said loudly and annoyed “yes!”
“Alright, I said, it didn’t look like it.” And now it was clear she was on the line.
Another day, another store
On another day in a different store, I saw a woman and they were calling next while she was technically on the line she was looking at the items they put for you folks to buy last minute stuff not moving with the line or respond when they said next. I had a choice of simply going to the next register. Or confirm she was or was not on the line. So again I asked, “are you on line?” She looked at me and said “yes” as if it were an outrageous question. So I pointed to the register, “she is calling the next person, you.” And she went without saying another world. I wasn’t rushing her in any way but it isn’t exactly a good time to be absent minded. Maybe this person was distracted, self absorbed forgetting it is a social environment or testing other people. Either way, it’s a good way to start trouble.
Oh No Moments with Bad Walkers and bad drivers
You would think that only toddlers are the ones who make walking mistakes, but just go to any crowded place, like a city block and you will very quickly see the most ridiculous walking behavior that leads to unnecessary problems. It is amazing to me how an average person’s IQ can drop 100 points when they go out and start walking on a crowded street. I see it every day in a myriad of variations
Ridiculously Slow Walkers, Hey I understand if you are visiting a place you want to look around, enjoy the scenery and get to know the place. I also understand people move at different paces depending on where they are from. When in a place like New York City, it’s important to be aware of others are moving around you. Are they walking fast, in large groups, with lots of bags and carriages? Then try to be at their speed or try to move out of their way. I guaranteed you will be approached by someone, or asked to move at some point or another. Particularly at rush our.
Walkers NOT looking at where they are going or where they are
I must say when one is walking with a purpose, like going to an appointment, the last thing one wants is someone aimlessly walking in front of you not being aware they are in your way or even knowing where they’re going. That is not to say that if they are lost or disoriented that there is intolerance for this. I’m talking of an oblivious person acting as a zombie and being in the way.
Crossing in front of you several times walkers
This is closely related to the oh no above. You are walking and on your way and suddenly someone crosses in front of you. Ok, it happens. But then they do it a few more times. This is so rude and annoying. Make up your mind and know that there is someone walking behind you.
Odd almost following you walkers
Again, you are walking and someone else is walking closely behind you. For whatever, reason no matter how far you go, or turn they are there behind you. I’m not talking about a stalker or something severe like that but I am talking about the annoying person going in the same general direction and being way to close behind you.
Zig zag chronically undecided walkers
This is like the person that crosses you but in a more chaotic way. It’s combination of the zombie and the crosser. This makes it difficult for the person behind and around them to get to their destination without a sudden jolts of having to stop to prevent colliding with the zig zagger.
Crossing a busy street slowly looking or talking on the phone/device, Reading and walking
I see this all the time and it happens to me as well. You are crossing a busy crosswalk with a limit before the light changes and there is someone or a group of people walking as if it were a stroll in the park. This is not the place to walk slowly, there are very anxious drivers wanted to drive as soon if not before the light fully turns green for them. I also see people simply being in the way in a busy walk way by standing for no good reason and blocking people from crossing the street. I’ve also seen the ridiculous situation where people a crossing and suddenly the person around you stops to take a picture, on a busy crosswalk I say again and a photo that can be taken from another spot or later when not busy walkway.
Entering private property,...it’s called loitering, sitting in stoops/going in hallway to
Oh No Moments with Smoking
Smoking tobacco /nicotine is one of the most addictive substances in the world. We know it is toxic, kills, damages, ages, hurts people and animals around us yet some many use as a badge of personal freedom. It took tobacco companies many of lawsuits with medical and scientific evidence for them to finally admit it causes cancer. It also causes many other adverse conditions and make of black label in their packages. They are there for one thing, to make money, not your freedom choice dear friends.
Smokers are people too. I say this because I know many individuals who are tortured at their addiction and do want to stop. There is help but as with any addiction, it takes incredible effort, consistency, support and true desire to go forth with quitting. When I refer to dumb behavior, I’m speaking of those who are extremely defiant about their smoking. They carry it as a badge of free will and even angrily puff away around others to show they have a right to do this. Well do we really have the right so blow toxic chemicals into another person’s face? What if it were arsenic? Is that a right too? The answer is no.
Of course we have free will. That doesn’t mean it is not harmful to do this to adults, children and animals around you. You chose to smoke out of your free will. No matter when you started, it was your choice to continue so why force it on others? There are some individuals who are tortured at their addiction and do want to stop. There is help but as with any addiction, it takes incredible effort, consistency, support and true desire to go forth with quitting.
Everyone who knows me knows that I believe in synchronicities. So as I am focusing on this chapter, I see a news report that catches my attention. Due to loophole smoking will be permitted in some parks again. Some political party didn’t have another political party sign a bill so smoking was permitted again. They interviewed a woman who was elated. She is an avid tobacco grower and believes anyone should smoke anywhere they want and why should her rights be trampled?
She epitomized what others indignant smokers do, put their own addictive needs above anyone, child, or animal around them. She cannot see or does not care that it is a toxin that affects others adversely. Her right to choose trumps the right of anything else. Having her addiction satisfied overrides courtesy, health concerns, physical discomfort, and respect for the greater good.
There is an irrational sense that they are being disempowered and human rights trampled on. There is no accountability or self responsibility or even common sense. No matter how much evidence is offered on the damage smoking causes, the self righteous smoker simply does not care.
Messed up but defiant woman
This woman appeared to be weathered, looked unhealthy and over all older than she probably was. Speaking on smokers rights
Walking and carelessly blowing smoke. I can’t tell you how many times I will be leaving a non smoking place like the subway or building and see someone desperately looking for and lighting their cigarette even before they are fully outside. I dread these moments because I know I’m going to get plumes of smoke in my direction. I often try to move in front of the person but of course this isn’t always possible. How can I tell the person, your smoking is hurting me and everyone around you? Why do you not care? There are people around you, in front, back next to you. When you take that toxic puff and release you this hits those around you.
Throwing cigarette butts...on way to see friend sing at a restaurant and someone flung a lit cigarette from their window and my coat almost caught on fire. It was snowing before Halloween and I wanted a delicious warm meal before heading him in the stormy weather and had dinner with my companion in a New York City Italian restaurant were we dined often. Billions of cigarette butts are discarded each day all over the place. That’s a lot of smoking going on. So not only do we have the smoking issue itself, you have the throwing of the butt on the street, grass, out the windows, floor, just about anywhere. There is nothing positive about this at all.
Throwing cigarettes, another example
There is a restaurant and in the summer there is outdoor seating. I’m inside and watching the people eat, walk by etc. Next thing you know there is a ruckus and the people eating are looking up. The people in the second floor have dropped cigarette ashes and butts down and it landed on the customers. The restaurant staff yell up and ask them to stop and are forced to move their customers. Apparently the tenants have done this before and don’t seem to care they are ruining people’s meals and disrupting a local business.
Smoking in non-smoking public places.
Everything was fine and dandy, We had our wine, appetizers, main course, more wine, dessert and were relaxing. It was pretty slow but some customers did come in and had the same idea we did. It was near closing time and my companion whispers “the people next to us are lighting cigarettes.” I confidently told him “Don’t be silly they have those new electronic cigarettes that look real and even have vapor”. A few seconds later I smell and see good old fashion cigarette smoke in a date and age where it’s prohibited and the managers gave them permission! My companion was right and I was wrong.
Fellow diners were smoking in a restaurant with others will eating and during operating hours with no regard for fellow diners. I could not believe it. What were we to do? The manager was always so good to us even gave us wine and dessert on the house. Should we have complained? We decided to pay and leave since we were there for quite some time and did have a full meal. Yet felt disrespected and disregarded. If you choose to smoke, that is your right. Especially in your own home or private space. But in a public space where it is prohibited, Oh No you didn’t just light up and smoke!
Combo Smoking to pick people up
Some people use smoking breaks to commune socially with others. They not only find a time and place where a fellow smoker is doing the same, but it may be a person they want to date so it is used as a pick up device.