Suspecting Your Partner is Cheating is one of the worst feelings any one can feel--betrayed
As a Empath and Spiritual/Certified Coach, one of the most difficult sessions I can have is related to a person cheating on their partner. The pain of suspecting, investigating and confirming is immeasurable. The effects are devastating. But there are things you can do to be proactive and begin the healing process as soon as possible.
What you are about to read is an except of my book that provides unconventional ways of relieving the pain of the mind, body and soul during a heartbreak. The first step however is to tune in to all your resources and learn how to learn if the cheating is actually happening. Take a deep breath, take two more. Take solace that you can get answers and healing can happen. Read and learn how being empowered with information can help in the healing process.
The Event
So, you met someone you were romantically attracted to. You had great chemistry, were getting along fabulously, and you were even having amazing sex! Everything was going along swimmingly with your partner, but then it happened—something changed. You felt a knot in your gut. The interest your partner had for you changed or diminished. But not only did it diminish; it’s now towards someone else. You lost your lover to someone else. But the key here is s/he hasn't been honest or had enough integrity to tell you about it.
It doesn’t matter if you were just dating, not fully monogamous, committed, engaged or married. When you know you are losing your partner, the feeling is undeniable. Everyone experiences these feelings slightly differently but the signs are there. There are telltale behaviors to look out for in your wayward partner. It’s important to be attuned this in order to be prepared and heal as soon as possible, bounce back and continue to live your life fully. Know that you are entitled to be loved truly and loyally.
You may feel and see the signs of losing their lover but it is still incredibly shocking when it is actually confirmed. Some people call it a “woman’s intuition” but both genders have the ability to sense the changes in their partner. In other words, intuition is gender-blind. But does knowing the signs your lover is leaving you helpful? Will it change the outcome? What’s the point if all? Why did you two even meet? And how will you deal with your partner’s change of heart? How will you deal with the betrayal?
These are important questions to consider with no easy answers. It will take time and self-inquiry but the answers are there. Being aware of the signs of your lover’s wondering eye will not necessarily make it less painful but can serve as an incredible learning lesson in trusting your own intuition and finding ways of coping that are healthy for you to heal faster and remain whole.
The Signs of Cheating
There are definite changes that occur when a partner is about to leave a relationship for another lover. Some of these changes are subtle and some are more obvious. Even if we don’t know the person very long, there are things they do that signal they have lost interest in us. Sometimes the person being left behind has no clue for awhile or is in denial. But then the outward signs come creeping in.
Before you jump to conclusions, use common sense, do your research, communicate openly but non-confrontational with your partner and trust your intuition. There is no definite sign of losing your lover to someone else, but some of these by themselves or in combination can give you clues. It will take your partner admitting or you catching him/her in the act to have actual proof so proceed with caution and again, trust your intuition. Here are some signs and behavioral changes to consider.
1. You experience an unexplained gut instinct and sinking feeling and when you notice differences and point them out in your partner. When you do point them out your partner lashes out or denies defensively.
2. There are sudden changes in your lovemaking—unusual increase in desire/decrease in desire/wanting to try new things in bed.
3. Changes in frequency of communication, talks much less or shows unusual interest in your activities.
4. Asking you to suddenly change things about you or wishing things about you were different.
5. Environmental changes in your partner’s home/office space.
6. Changes in their fitness, eating, dressing habits.
7. Changes in speech, sayings and social interests—especially with no reference connected to you.
8.. Your communication styles change and your partner doesn’t confide in you anymore. 9. Becomes secretive about activities.
10, Projection, sometimes the one about to be left is accused of a wandering eye.
11. Strange marks, cuts, bruises in your partner’s body.
12. Your partner starts looking for excuses to argue about random things.
13. Unusual and extra time on their social network Facebook, Twitter, email, IM (whatever the trending social media is).
14. Missing time; your partner disappears and is secretive or defensive about it.
15. Finding Intimate apparel that wasn’t there before and isn’t yours. Your partner receives gifts from either an unknown person or someone you already suspect, e.g. a work colleague.
16. Your partner “smells” different.
17. Suddenly your partner has a bounce in their step, similar to the one when they met you.
18. Asks questions related to loving more than one partner.
19. Sudden interest in different music and social activities never discussed by you.
20. The meaningfulness of your relationship is minimized.
21. What was special is reduced to more of an uncommitted dating or even friendship in some cases.
You Were Left For Someone Else, Now Begin To Heal
You Will Heal
Your self-esteem has taken a huge hit, so it’s triage time. You are going to ask yourself a lot of serious questions. Why did it happen? Who is responsible? What do you do next? There are no easy or quick answers. But know this, this is a universal experience. It’s happened since the beginning of time. And although that’s no consolation, you will heal.
Give Yourself a Time Out
Even if the state of your relationship is undetermined, the feelings you will experience will be intense and stormy. The first thing to do is take a time out. As much as you may want to, do not lash out at your partner violently or whomever they left you for. It this easy? Hell no!!!! But it is necessary to have a cool head in order to make the best possible decision for you and yes, everyone involved because whether we like it or not, we are all connected.
Be Patient
You will ask yourself a thousand questions and the same question a thousand times. Be patient with yourself but do be prepared to move on at some point. In over 21 years of advising, consulting and counseling I can tell you that blaming yourself is not going to help. And being in a position to advise has not made me immune so I can speak from experiential perspective too.
Be Honest With Yourself and the New You
Often you will feel immense humiliation and the feeling of inadequacy as a partner. You may feel your partner’s new love is sexier, hotter, smarter, more interesting than you. But this is far from the truth. The truth is no one really can predict why a lover may suddenly find someone else attractive.
Take inventory of yourself and your relationship
Can you use this experience a golden opportunity to do something that’s actually good for you? There may be something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself and this may be the reason, albeit a painful one, to do it. This does not imply you did anything to deserve being left, but there is always room to expand and improve. So why not use this as a reason to better yourself while staying true to yourself? For instance get a physical and see if you are healthy overall. Consider a make-over of hair, wardrobe, eating habits, social network, etc. It doesn’t have to be extreme but it should be a gift for yourself.
Re-acquaint yourself with YOU.
Get to know yourself as human, friend, and yes lover. Feel what you must feel. To ignore your feelings of betrayal, anger, shame and loss will only bite you in the behind if you don’t take the self care time to feel them.
Seek Support But Do Move On
There comes a time when you have to lick your wounds and move on. There is a true grieving process that has to occur so again, read on the subject and see what phase you may be experiencing. It’s not linear and everyone reacts different. Also, no one can say exactly when the right time to move on is, but you will know intuitively.
If the rest of your life is being adversely affected and months have turned into a year or longer, it’s time to evaluate your situation honestly and objectively. Help yourself in anyway you can. Read books, and articles on your situation, seek counseling, attend workshops find yourself a support system if you need one. Time really does heal all wounds. Sometimes we need to do a little extra work to move the healing process along. There are so many tips, ideas, and even healthy rituals to do to make your achy heart heal faster and be the whole beautiful you, you always were, you are and will continue to be.
Don't hesitate to get help if you need from a professional who knows about this topic and can help you in the process of healing.